I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I’m giving up for Lent.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.