Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I would like even faster food.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
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Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
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I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
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Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move