It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
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We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.