Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
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Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill