Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
You Might Also Like
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.