Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
is nasa ok
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information