@Stellacopter

Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?

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@paulblue23

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@Molly_Kats

Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?

@YesImMatt

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

@its_me_your_mom

if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more

@envydatropic

They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.

@WilliamAder

So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.

@egg_dog

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather