when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
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INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
Yep.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers