Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
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I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?