at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
You Might Also Like
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Breaking news:
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal