I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
You Might Also Like
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
☺️
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago