Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
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If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.