@TeeJayRush “Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
@kentgrossarth Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
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@TeeJayRush 
@AaronFullerton 1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
@drewtoothpaste Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
@LoveNLunchmeat Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
@BuckyIsotope ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
@paulblue23 Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
@Jenny4ashley Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
@Birdhumms 70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
@9GAG Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
@_Mo_lee_ I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters