Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

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“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…


“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”


Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.


Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”


Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again


70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.


Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”


I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters