@kentgrossarth

Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.

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@TeeJayRush

“Get in the van if you want to live.”

Creepy Terminator…

@AaronFullerton

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

@drewtoothpaste

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”

@paulblue23

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

@Birdhumms

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

@9GAG

Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”

@_Mo_lee_

I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.

Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters