I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
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“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.