My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Something Saturday.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.