Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trumpy Cat

I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.

Resist all the cheese, I can’t.

just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?

“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…

Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.

A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’

-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?

Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?

Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter

it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat

Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.

Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.

I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”