Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”