Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.