I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
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I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Growing out my freckles.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️