Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
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Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.