murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Erm I’m gonna say no
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.