I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
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Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
okay run it by me one more time
This is I, Robot all over again
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I’m sorry…what?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.