This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it