FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂