@MrDelFreaky

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

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@TragicAllyHere

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

@OllyiConic

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

@Social_Mime

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

@Cpin42

A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

@BellPupper

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

@sweet_toof

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

@gobmentcheese

Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.

@iwearaonesie

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

@TheBoydP

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?