Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…

ME: Is it rich parents?

ARTICLE: … Yeah.

“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.

Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Genie: One wish left

Me: I wish I was cool

Genie: Your wish is granted

⛄️: Wait not like this

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…

“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians

I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”

Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now

Woman: Okay but still, what the hell

Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror

I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.