Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
You Might Also Like
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Ha
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
The smoothest fall of all time
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
About to throw up
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Schrödinger’s cookie
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!