Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
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Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.