(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
ACED my prostate exam!