Finally! 馃槇
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Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I hate when that happens.
i hope i didn鈥檛 end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that鈥檚 my new tagline.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I鈥檓 waiting.