Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
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If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Try and stop me.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I wish this was real life…
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.