“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
You Might Also Like
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
The glockness monster
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.