FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
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If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
pizza
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars