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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Breaking news:
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?