Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
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Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
when there are deer in the woods
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I have never related to a cat more
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*