Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.