Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
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Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.