I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
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My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
My new favorite headline
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
one of
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace