I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
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One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.