ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap