My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
…..pretty much.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.