Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
You Might Also Like
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Growing out my freckles.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?