[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
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[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I don’t get marriage
Why I divorced her.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
I came this close!!!!
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.