We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
bears
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.