Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
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Modded the new Gran Turismo
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Still my favourite meme.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital