I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
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“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?