Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
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Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.