An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Best spot.. 😅
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.