waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
You Might Also Like
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo