a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
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Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..