I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
You Might Also Like
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.