The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
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*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed