Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
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No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
and this one
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
accurate
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.