you’re so productive for your wage
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*